Monday, February 28, 2011


People keep telling me I am spoiling Maverick... so let me get a few things off my chest.

Yes, he sleeps in the bed with us. He will continue to do so until he doesn't want to, or until he gets married, whichever comes first. I would still be sleeping in the bed with Nana and Pal if I was able. Do you know how that made me feel? Loved.

Yes, when Maverick is so sleepy his eyes are heavy and he's making his sad face, we drive him in the car. It relaxes him,  and he goes to sleep. Maverick will NEVER be allowed to "cry it out". I think that is cruel. When I tried for two years to get pregnant, I was fully aware that sleeping for me would be a luxury.

Yes, my husband and I like being with him. We do go on date nights once in a blue moon, but for the most part, I prefer to play with Maverick. Once again, when I tried to get pregnant for 2 years, I knew that time alone with Christopher would be a luxury. We like spending time as a family.

Yes, we have made the choice that I will be a stay at home mom. Yes, I do know how many sacrifices I will have to make. Yes, I'm more than ok with that. Hand to God, I will give up eating if that's what it takes. I've been building up fat for years, I will be fine :-) Let me see, is it more important that I get my nails done, or be home to see my son grow up? HMM... On that note, I will always put his needs before mine. Always.

Get used to it people. There will be many things in the coming years that people don't like that I do. I might even buy him a brand new car when he's 16! GASP!

What y'all call spoiled, I call loved. If I achieve one thing in this life, I want Maverick to know that I love him. Fully, unconditionally, without measure. I will NEVER take a single moment of his life for granted.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


I got a prescription for anxiety\anti-depressants filled on Friday. Among the frightening list of side effects- anxiety. Umm, does anyone else see a problem with that?!

But in all seriousness- I had to do something. I can no longer spend all day Sunday with a sense of dread that I have to work or cry the whole way there every morning.

I've never really been one to take medicine. Especially one that interferes with your brain so much. But I knew I was headed down a dark road and I felt a responsibility to Maverick, Christopher and myself to get help for myself before I got too bad.

I hope they help me make it through the remainder of the year. 66 days!

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I have been wanting to blog, but suddenly my ordinary life doesn't seem all that bloggable.

I have been obsessively reading Kellie's blog about the pain she feels after her baby Maddie passed away. She has let us in her life at the most painful time any of us can imagine. Actually, I can't imagine it. I have been trying for a week to NOT imagine my sweet Maverick being taken away.

Suddenly it doesn't matter that my assistant principal thinks in incompetent, that I'm gaining back all the weight I lost after Maverick was born, that my students made basically no progress in the 12 weeks I was on maternity leave, that my check engine light came on...

If you will notice, most of my recent blog posts have been about leaving Maverick. I leave before it is light outside and get home just in time for him to eat and go to sleep. But the truth is I am lucky. Because he is there when I get home. When I get home he looks at me and smiles it makes my heart melt.

So, I will treasure every precious moment I have with him, and just know that I only have to be gone from him for 66 more school days... until then, I will try to focus on the time I HAVE with  him, rather than the time I don't.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My dream job...

Before Maverick was born, I had no idea I would want to be at home with him so much. I thought he would be at home with Christopher or Nana, so he was taken care of, he would be fine.

After he was born, I was pretty sure I wanted to stay home with him, but didn't know how we could make it work. Families HAVE to have 2 incomes, don't they?

When I went back to work and was made to feel like the worst teacher ever, I knew I wanted to stay home. But, all teachers can talk about now is the budget cuts. I felt lucky to have a job.

But, when Maddie passed away, I KNEW I HAD to stay home. Our sweet baby Maverick is so precious. I don't want to miss anything! I sit here now, tears streaming down my face thinking about what Kellie must be going through. I just want to hold Maverick and never let him go.

Money is going to be tight. We are not going into this thinking it is going to be all sunshine and roses. But, we have made some major changes... and God was pretty helpful too. We called our landlord to see if he had any cheaper properties, and he said we could stay here and he would lower rent. I didn't even fathom that could happen. We lucked into it because there are 4 units here and 2 are empty, and I guess he didn't want another empty one. Christopher is in the process of selling his truck. He is getting a bigger, better one that he loves- and getting rid of the one that is too small that he has always hated- and its going to be paid for! We have also reduced our grocery bill significantly, cancelled HBO and showtime... small changes that have added up to a lot.

I have full, complete, unwavering faith that Christopher and God will take care of Maverick and I. What Christopher can't figure out, God will. :-)

I even found a Bible passage when I was looking at what other moms did to make it work:

Matthew 6:25For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? “Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to to his life?

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Thank you God

Thank you God for 2 extra days.

I usually do not wish for snow days because what seems fun to me, causes problems for other people. Some people HAVE to go to work on the dangerous roads, and I try not to be selfish.

This  year, I wished for snow days.

We had FOUR snow days this week. The first snow day added another day to the end of the year, the second snow day took away Good Friday. The last 2- DO NOT HAVE TO BE MADE UP. So thank you God, for 2 extra days with Maverick.

I've never been a religious person. I've always believed, but had my doubts about things, had problems with organized religion, etc.

But now I believe.

Whole heartedly, 100%. I know without a doubt that God answered my prayers. I NEEDED to spend time with Maverick. And Christopher. Christopher got a little cabin fever. He doesn't do well being couped up in the house. I didn't care. I was perfectly content, being at home doing the daily routine with Maverick.

The problem is, Maverick is happiest first thing in the morning. I miss that when I'm at work. But not the last 4 days. :-)