Sunday, January 30, 2011

I really have to do this?

OH MY GOD! I seriously do not want to work anymore.

The sub changed so many things in my classroom while I was out.  I guess she felt like she knew what was best for my class. She changed my behavior management plan, the line order, she made them ask permission to go to the bathroom (very annoying when you are trying to work with small groups), she let them take library books home that were checked out to me (I will never see them again, but luckily, we have an AWESOME librarian). I left ridiculously detailed instructions, there is no reason she needed to change all this. Oh, and I forgot- she just made up random word wall words and hand wrote them on my word wall! AHH! She also dug thru my stuff and hung random stuff on my calendar, made new word cards for the writing center (I guess she didn't like mine) and let the kids use my crayons and markers that were under my desk. I would have been ok if she had just let them use them, but she distributed my 50 colored pencils. Does that even make sense? Why would she do that? I haven't been able to really get any time to test or level the kids because I'm having to spend so much time reteaching routines and procedures like it is the first day of school.

I am supposed to be doing a 4 hour training online, but I stopped to blog. I've already done this exact training when I first started, but I am being asked to do it again, on my own time. I'm irritated because I only have a short time with Maverick and I'm having to use 4 hours to do this stupid training!

I think most of my blogs will be pretty cranky until summer. I went thru 13 years of public school, 6 years of college and 3 years of teaching and I have NEVER been looking so forward to summer so early in the year. Its only January!

Its gonna be a long year!

Friday, January 21, 2011

86 days

When I go back to school I will have 86 school days until summer.

86 days seems like an eternity.

Thats 86 times I will have to get up at 5:30, while Maverick is still sleeping and leave him.

Thats 86 times I will have to be at working teaching other people's kids, while someone else is with mine. Being a teacher requires a great deal of emotional investment in the students. They need me to give them 100 percent. But so does my child. Where will I find 200 percent?

Thats 86 times I will come home EXHAUSTED. Hopefully not too exhausted to play with Maverick for the few minutes he will be awake.

Thats 86 times I will only get to see my baby for a few hours before he goes to sleep.

Thats 86 times I may miss something. In the next 6 months that I will be working, he will roll over, sit up by himself and possible crawl. Someone else will get to see it.

Thats 86 times for the anger, hurt, resentment, anxiety, and depression to grow. People tell me it will get easier. I think people are full of shit.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

2 month check up

Yesterday we went to Maverick's two month check up.

He weighed 16 pounds 4.5 ounces
He is 24.5 inches long (thats two feet- OMG)
His head is 17 inches around

That means from birth he has grown:
5 pounds 14 ounces and 3.5 inches- all in 2 months!

I hope he doesn't keep growing at this rate! He is going to be a big boy. I am glad that he is proportional. His weight is ok for his length... I have struggled with my weight for my whole life. I was teased, I have had high blood pressure, and fertility issues. I can never find clothes that fit and I worry about diabetes, heart disease, cancer, etc. I do not want that for my son. I guess chocolate cake for dinner is a thing of the past. I want him to see me eating fruits and vegetables...

He has cradle cap, which is not harmful and it doesn't even really bother him. It just isn't all that attractive (to other people, to me- he is the most adorable baby ever) His is worse near his eyebrows. His head is getting a little flat, so we are going to have to increase tummy time and maybe let him nap on his side. We do not want him to have to wear a helmet to reshape his head!

It looks worse in person, but you get the idea from this picture:

This is what he is able to do as of now:
* He is trying to have little conversations. When you talk to him he makes sounds back at you. It makes my heart melt!
* He smiles the sweetest little smile :-) We swear we have heard him laugh twice, both times in his sleep.
* He is holding his head up more and more. It is noticeably less shaky now.
* He will scoot in a circle. If you put him down facing one way, he will rotate himself around almost 360  degrees.
* A few times I have thought he may roll over, or at least be attempting. He will rock back and forth, but his arm is in the way. He doesn't do this all the time because he will just rotate himself around to see what he wants to see.
*He isn't a big fan of the pacifier. As soon as he figures out that it isn't food, he flings it out of his mouth.
* He is about to find his hands. He will grab one hand with the other, but I don't think he has connected in his mind that he is the one making that happen.

I'm sure there is much more, because clearly he is a genius. No, really. This isn't like when other moms think their baby is special... he really is ;-)

I want to be a stay at home mommy :(

I always considered myself a pretty strong independent woman. I have a college degree, I'm working on my Masters degree, I have a great job that I make ok money at. I enjoy having a job because I know that no matter what happens I can take care of myself. I don't NEED a man to take care of me. If I had lived in the 1960's I would have been burning my bra right along with all the other feminists.

Now, all I want is to be a stay at home mom. I would be perfectly happy staying home, cleaning, and having dinner on the table when Christopher gets home from work. I would even wear an apron. Or pearls like June Cleaver.

Do you SEE this cute baby? I have to leave him for 9 hours a day while Nana and Christopher get to stay home and play with him. OK, he is in GREAT hands with Nana and Christopher, but I want him in MY hands. Now, I'm going to be an outsider- listening to others tell me about MY baby!

Will he even remember me? This little smile you see on his face was for ME. He smiled right at me when I started talking to him, so I quickly snapped his picture... He is only going to be this little once, and I'm gonna miss it :(

I know the feminists just wanted equal pay for equal work, and wanted women to be able to work if they wanted- but what has happened is families HAVE to have two incomes to survive... I don't think they intended moms to have to leave their babies!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Hospital Story/first day home

I realized (when Morgan pointed it out) that I never wrote about my hospital stay after Maverick was born. This is partly because I am a bad blogger and partly because it was one of the worst experiences of my life.

After the c-section, they wheeled me up to my room... By this time, it is at lease midnight, I've just given birth, had major surgery and am on all kinds of pain medicines. My nurse was African, which is only important because I could barely understand her. Anyway, all I really want to do is nurse the baby and get a little sleep before he needs me again. But she's talking to me, explaining all this stuff and I am fighting to keep my eyes open, but she keeps yapping.

She comes back every few hours to make me feed the baby (more on that later) and take blood from Maverick's tiny, brand new foot. Apparently, because he was big, they are worried about his blood sugar- even though I was not (am still not) diabetic, there was no reason to think his blood sugar was off. But she told me it was hospital policy (which it may be) and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I didn't fight it. Just the first in a series of things that I did wrong. Just for the record, his blood sugar was fine.

She keeps coming back to make me feed the baby. I was adamant that I wanted to breastfeed exclusively, no formula. I managed to do that for the first day, with objections from the nurse who was trying to get me to supplement the whole time. Seriously, every time she came in she would tell me he "needed" formula.

I was still completely unable to move, I was confined to the bed due to the anesthesia and drugs in my system. I'm still in the same hospital gown I wore for surgery, and hooked up to a catheter. Poor Christopher had to do everything! I love that man so much. I knew that before, but we definitely got much closer in the first few days after Maverick was born. (He saw inside my body after all, lol)

The day nurse was a little better, but not super helpful. The lactation consultant was awesome. She was so helpful and patient. During the day, there was no problem with breastfeeding at all. Maverick never really latched willingly to the right one, but he was still eating breastmilk...

The next night - guess who my nurse is again- mean African lady. She keeps harping on me that he NEEDS formula. Exhausted, overwhelmed and at the time thinking I was doing what was best for my baby, I finally agreed to supplement. The hospital used Similac formula and Maverick was not able to handle it at all. Every time he would eat formula he would projectile vomit everything he had just eaten. Mind you, at this point he is TWO DAYS OLD. The nurse wouldn't help, she wouldn't give us any other kind of formula because she said "formula doesn't hurt babies tummies"... umm yes it does. I'm a brand new mom and even I knew that. I don't know what her deal was with the effing formula! Also, to make matters worse, the building I was in was on limited power for some reason and I had NO TV ALL NIGHT! This is a problem because I have to have the TV to sleep... This was one of the worst nights of my life, seriously. I could not get anyone to listen to me or help me.

Looking back now, I should have demanded a new nurse or something. Or had a member of my family bring some other kind of formula. But hindsight is always 20/20. I hate to keep blaming everyone else, because I SHOULD have done something different, but I was barely able to move, on heavy drugs, scared, overwhelmed and stupid.

Both Christopher and I knew we would not survive another night like the last one, so when the doctor came in to check on my we asked if there was anyway I could go home a day early and he said yes! Thank God! Now we were off to our own house.

We were so not prepared to check out. We had only like 2 hours to get ready. Nothing was packed, and people kept coming in to bring us stuff. I was so happy, because I could finally eat solid food and everyone kept coming in and I didn't even get to eat all of my food...

When we got out to the car, his carseat was adjusted for a normal weight baby, not a 10 pound, 6 ounce baby, so that was interesting. We had to stop and fix it before we could put him in.

The first day you bring the baby home is scary! Maverick was still having issues with formula, still really throwing up. I don't mean spit up, like a normal baby. I mean projectile, like the exorcist. That night was a bad night too. He wasn't able to keep anything down. We tried two different kinds of formula but I think his tummy was too upset already. He was so frustrated, he wasn't able to breastfeed either... We ended up having to take him to the pediatrician first thing that morning because we thought maybe he had a milk allergy. But, at the doctor he was able to calm down and take some formula!

About breastfeeding- it is HARD! I just thought it was going to be so easy. I had no bottles, no idea about formula. I decided to try to pump the milk, but I would pump for 30 minutes and only get half an ounce... so Maverick is formula fed... I have a lot of guilt about not breastfeeding, but that's for another blog :-)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I'm a bad blogger, but a good mommy

I can't seem to tear myself away from Maverick long enough to update my blog.

How could I with this waiting for me?

I really have no updates. I am happier now than I have ever been in my life! I seriously love being a mom, even at 3am...

I will try to be better about updating my blog because one day I will love going back and reading it :-)

Happy reading friends!